i was dreaming of myself
standing on the twilight
where the moon was still in half
i thought of night and joy

i kept dreaming of what i saw tonight
maybe hallucination, day dream, things
i still want it, where yesterday
was the greatest dream ever

chorus:
reality is just a, really darn tiring thing
somehow i just want to get out of it for a while
and live in my dreams for several thousand years
and live in refresh, ready to start a new day

i ask myself over and over.

what is my existence for?
there are many ways to live your life. there are unlimited fates followed by unlimited paths. to live by that, you could only choose one. one life, one way to live, one women/men, one house, one landscape to look on, one way to die.

it depends on how would you like to live.

for me….living is about learning. a man with plenty of knowledge will succeed on ‘living’ since it will gain us happiness and prosperity to both yourself and many people. i myself, realize that recently after a few months sitting on the seat of a tenth grader. i stand before a tabular mirror, set my eyes upon my own and consider what the world might give to me a few decades later. i started to think: problems, challenge, jealousy, and many others in school context is just the beginning. life out there is much more severe and challenging. you fail, you go poor, got broke and then you die. that;s how you lose if you’re out there. as I sit in high school until collage, my ass is still supported by my parents. without them, i was nothing but a corpse, even then, to tell you the truth, i am a living corpse. perhaps everyone is like that. that is what makes each individual to be consider as equals, only not many realize this truth. everyone must realize that people are insignificant. from measuring our size compare to the size of the earth’s diameter, i feel more insignificant. 2 years ago i went off for a field trip to the other side of one of the biggest islands in the malay archipelago, java. I was heading to solo, yogya, purbalingga, then head back home. from what i realized, just from where i am, in bogor, which is around the west side of the island traveling to the eastern region of the island took a remarkably long time even though there was no stop at all and we were travelling in a constant speed, which approximately took 15 hours. i was stunned, from both towns, it was less than 820 km but it took that long by bus. my journey was far from a half of a quarter from the earth’s total circumference. i glance to the sky, imagining that the earth itself is also nothing but an insignificant fragment of the universe. there are also Jupiter, which sizes more than 100 earths; the sun which sizes more than a thousand Jupiters; the solar system which expands in the diameter of thousands of astronomical units; the galaxy which sizes thousands of light years (one light year is the equation of a distance traveled by the speed of light for the period of a year where the speed of light is about 299,792,458 meters per second in vacuum space); the black hole/worm hole that could initiate a jump across to another part of the universe billions of light years away, you will never see earth again.

i believe i made myself clear.

humans are nothing but something to compare as the size of a sub-atom compare to the universe. we learn that human nature is about glory and needs that need to be filled. the only constraints on achieving that is their ability and their mental on trying to achieving that. however, we are design by nature (or by God) to independently think for ourselves and try to make new things, developing tools and gadgets for convenience, and a way on living our lives to the fullest. we compete to achieve that. winners will live happily and losers will suffer and will die with living in vain, but that depends on their condition. if they lost in the condition of jumping to life with a bad start from the beginning, and then die in vain, personally, i never wanted anyone to die in vain that way because i think that as something unfair.

that is why, what i wanted to do is to live my life to the fullest, starting from now. since i;m still young, still healthy and wildly prepare for anything, i still have the chance to shape my own destiny. of course, if i succeed, i won’t credit myself fully. i would thank everyone for influencing me.

i guess that’s all i have to say….good night

hello world. tonight, i have discovered something that has put me back in the dark for a long time.

for so long, i have been thinking that it was too late for me to make a difference, that it is too late for me to learn something new in this period of time, as a high schooler

but guess what, i don’t think that it is too late for me yet!

sure, high school will be too much heavy for me, that i will be receiving too much homeworks, tests and other kinds of things, and that i will have to keep the balance of my mind and body, and i need to start thinking about where am i going to go for collage, knowing what field i’m going to take in which will decide what will i become in the future…

but that doesn’t stop me from doing the impossibilities….

in my age, i am the man of impossibilities….

i can do anything I want….including learning something in a short time. it is my destiny to learn a bunch of stuffs before i go to collage, in fact, i could still lots of things even when i am in collage

look, now i know everything after i discover this one simple quotation that says: why would we look back to our mistakes if it’s just going to hold us back even further?….

amazing…a single sentence that makes my mind go wild.

now i know,

after those long years lacking from playing the violin, i know that it’s not to late for me to practice again.. i will try to master it until i have the ability to teach people…

not just the violin, i could practice my dancing skills…
i could learn the piano in autodidact
i could learn the guitar in autodidact
i could still execute my plan on making this big experiment
i could still get good grades on my report card
i could still read all the books in my library

in other words, i could still do anything!!!!!!

so, it;s not too late, especially when you are 15-20….

it’s the best gift you’d ever have….

so make good use of it….there is still time!!!
i guess that’s all

as i walked the path where i was born in
it seems that i was introduced
to the reality that is iridescent
a reality that has its own ways

right is wrong and wrong is right
i cannot see which is which anymore
the time is right to choose
but i can’t stand it anymore

where am I, what am I?
what am I suppose to do?
the world is too intricate for me
no matter how hard i tried
as i challenge the world
the world challenge me back
but with greater force
yet i have to learn harder…

as i fail to know the whole story
yet i am still alive, still breathing
conflicts, ideology, conflicts
they’re confusing, which buzzed me out

No man! don’t fall back
give ‘em your best shot
don’t give in
don’t give up

the world has it’s own ways
on thinking its way through a life time
so do you and so do I
no matter how harsh the world is

i will learn how to fight back
i will learn how to straight up my mind
i cannot be alone
someone has to be like me

i dunno where the world is going
but you and i can reshape it
cause the world
is just a tiny fragment of the universe…

this very moment….this minute, the minute when i’m writing this blog, i feel somehow i betray myself. i betray my only code of living. it seems that, the fundamental laws of human’s sensibilities are still tied to me no matter how hard i vow to myself on not breaking one rule, which took me entirely to break this one rule. 

 

i’m a disgrace…

 

i don’t know what to do now. it seems that i may succumb to myself that will never achieve something i would achieve myself, and the ‘after’ achievements…you know, like in those comic books and televisions, when superheroes saves the day and the get the girl while the bad guys don’t get anything…

 

i’m the bad guy….

 

okay, you may don’t know what kind of point I’m going on writing this blog, but i’m just gonna write anything that popped in to my mind RIGHT NOW.

 

okay, here it goes:

right now, i’m in the condition where i’m feeling victory, but somehow, i don’t feel the true means of victory itself.

i think i know the reason. one thing, it’s about my contributions to that victory itself and i am unable to prove myself worthy. 

i don’t feel the absolute gratification flowing through my body, the adrenaline that shocks my existence, the thrill to be able to jump into conclusions and formidable risks….

somehow, i didn’t manage to jump into that world, since i never make any decisions on doing so. 

thus, i am…..

 

…a disgrace…

 

 

 

i don’t feel worthy at all….the smell and sense of victory i’ve been dreaming about, it’s not here….it’s gone. not gone, but was never there at all…therefore i am in…

 

..disgrace.

 

okay, i think i expressed myself enough…good night, good people!

by Edgar B.S.

hitam. iya hitam.
aku membayangkan warna ini setiap hari dalam hidup ku. mungkin hari-hari itu saat aku memejamkan mata atau mungkin saat aku berada di tempat yang gelap, seperti kamarku saat aku mau tidur, atau di dalam hutan rimba saat malam hari dimana bintang terlihat seakan telah dimakan oleh monster China yang dahulu kala dikatakan telah memakan bulan. iya…

hitam…

itu juga masih perawalan dimana saat pertama kali aku mengetahui keberadaan ku, saat aku mengetahui kalau aku adalah balita di kampung halaman ku. disana, aku sangat senang. iya, masa kecil itu masa emas seseorang, jika kau tidak mempergunakannya dengan baik, maka kamu akan menyesal saat nanti dewasa.

sayangnya, aku menyadari itu agak terlambat.

usia ku kira-kira 17. tinggi badan ku tidak terlalu tinggi. 171 cm, berat badan 59 kg. aku bersekolah di sekolahan swasta yang mayoritas orang keturunan China. mungkin aku lebih memilih sekolah yang isinya beda ras, agama, dan segala macam mungkin aku sudah bosan dengan kehidupan yang monoton, dimana semua orang itu sama. aku mungkin butuh sedikit perbedaan, dan tantangan tentunya.

setiap pulang sekolah, aku langsung ke rumah. aku ini orang yang introvert, aku sedikit susah untuk berbaur dengan banyak orang. mungkin banyak orang di sekolah mengenalku tapi tidak kenal baik. aku mungkin dikenal sebagai anak paling aneh karena tiap hari aku selalu menggantungkan pulpen di leherku kemana aku pergi. selain itu adalah cara aku berpakaian, celana panjang agak pendek, kaus kaki panjang dan baju agak longgar. aku agak bingung, apa yang salah dengan kaus kaki panjang? aku kadang ingin ketawa melihat banyak perempuan yang menarik kaus kaki mereka kebawah agar terlihat pendek sehingga kalau dirazia, mereka tinggal menarik kaus kakinya supaya memanjang lagi.

sudahlah dengan hal sekolah ku sehari-hari.

ku ingin memberitahukan sesuatu yang aneh…sebuah cita-cita yang (mungkin) belum terpikirkan oleh orang-orang seumuranku,

aku bercita-cita menjadi seorang superhero.

memang cita-cita yang tidak aneh untuk bocah umur 5 tahun tapi aneh untuk anak umu 17 tahun. aku mulai menyaksikan banyak film-film barat tentang superhero seperti batman, spiderman, dsb. aku sangat terpesona dengan pahlawan-pahlawan alias vigilante yang mau mengorbankan sebagian besar waktu mereka menggunakan identitas asli mereka untuk hal seperti membrantas kejahatan dijalanan seperti pencurian, perampokan, dll. akan tetapi, hidup ku ini tidak seperti mereka yang ada di film dimana mereka selalu mendapat sebuah kejadian yang bertepatan seperti saat baju mereka basah, ada kebetulan orang lain membawa baju kering dan begitulah konsepnya. aku tidak mungkin bisa memperoleh cerita seperti itu dalam agendaku.

continue later

hey people, it’s me! I miss writing blogs and tell everybody my personal experience and blabber about secrets of mine that nobody would ever care to know! hmm, some fine day out here, and guess what’s making me more energized: I’m GAY!

yes people, I know why you are wondering about the sudden publicity and why would I humiliate myself in the internet and declare myself as a gay, it’s because of this one event that happened to myself a few months from now, at the farewell party of my former middle school.

you see, being a gay is a part of your choices to live, but note it up, I’m not maximizing my new life style, like literally sucking man’s dick, ew, I don’t even wanna think about that, knowing it’s rather disgusting (i’d be surprise if I found some of you enjoy it, I’d think that you are an egg head that’s for sure). all I do is just making fun with some of my male friends like a real gay. well, you know what they do, but of course, I’m controllable…

anyway. it starts out that I was in to this girl for like my whole life in junior high. she made out with a few boys, but I never gave her up. just this one last of our meeting in my former school, I confess to her and sang her a song I made myself. i made it for like 3 months! but I actually lied to her that I made it for three days. I want to surprise her that I’m some awesome song writer. guess what she did to me: rejected me!

yeah! who wouldn’t be so heart broken? I made a song for her, I made a caricature of herself, I made one for her birthday, and waddya know? she doesn’t acknowledge my feelings instead of thinking about this other guy. I knew exactly the name of this person, it’s just that I never knew how he looked like. I bet he taller a quarter of my own height, knows how to play an instrument, good looking, and had a big dick. well that’s what every girl would want. who wouldn’t want a hot guy as their boyfriend. why bother? even if they care or not. I started to realize(probably 3 months after that night) that young love is useless, it makes you look stupid, it even makes you literally stupid. I don’t need ‘love’ right now in such a young age. well, even since then I started to be interested in women, i need to distract myself from not being distracted by those women, especially the girls in my school, they couldn’t mind their so called ‘sexy body’. they just care about ‘being a sexual appeal to men, especially “hot” men’. that sickens me! from that day on, I made myself as: A GAY!

well, there you have it! that’s my story. the purpose why I chose to be gay. it’s to make myself not distracted by girls who wouldn’t mind their position as ‘women’, who wouldn’t use normal clothes that would at least cover their whole feet!

the end! may peace be upon you!

now, I promise I will study every night for two hours and practice my violin 3-4 hours a day after school…..this is a commitment I have to do and nothing will stop me…this is for the sake of my future

the end

this is for a certain someone that I would like to scream at:

hey, have you ever heard of true love? no? I’ll tell you what’s true love. are you telling me that I don’t anything about this? well think again!

you might go fall for someone in the first time you saw that person. yet, you don’t know who the heck he/she is. let me ask you something, is that true love, or is it that you just want to go get busy with ‘em? yeah, figures.

listen, you egg head, I’ve met a certain someone. I used to be disgusted with her, ’cause she’s a girl. I don’t really like girls back there. sooner and later, we actually became friends. after months and months we knew each other, I began to know who she is. we became buds. by the time I carefully listened out her heart singing with her little guitar, she began to touch my heart. from that day, I knew that the only thing I wanted is to be with her. every time I’m near her, just around a foot away, I felt a certain energy flowing through my arteries. she raised me up. from that day, I actually got the top 5 on an advanced class for 2 semester. How ridiculous is that?? next, oh hohohoho, this is where my suffering began. she began dating a few guys. what would you feel if the person who built up your heart sees someone else instead of you? HAH! figures…for three solid years, I’ve been in love to the same person even though she went to see other handsome boys. well, I Look myself at the mirror, and what I see is a short, big headed boy who was wasting everybody’s time to chase his dreams.

let me get this straight. are you telling me that I don’t know anything about love? GET LOST! I say you who don’t know anything! perhaps all you care about is to have sex with that person. look what I’ve done for love to the person I used to like. I made a picture of her. a caricature of her, made by my own hands. I also made a song for her. I told her everything by the time of our departing. I sang it to her. I lied to her that I actually made her song just three days. three days? I can’t even figure out the lyrics for a week. it takes months! I’ve been preparing a song for months. and guess what, I remembered clearly the time she said she didn’t love me back. can you imagine, for years, the time you’ve been waiting for, trying to understand her, trying to comprehend her feelings, and all I get is the confession of not being love. do you know how that feels? you know, now she might be mad at me because I’m still jealous of seeing her putting her hands around some other guy and put it as her twitter profile picture. I was jealous. how could I easily forget the person I’ve loved so long. normal guys would forget girls who rejected them in about days or weeks. me? months. from that day till the day before yesterday, I’ve been suffering, non stop heart breaking. I’m in a living hell of my own imagination. from how she looked, she is somehow disgust with me. maybe because I’m not capable to talk clearly or even act correctly in front of her. I’m a fraud. but now, I sincerely let her go. she’s a memory. I don’t deserve to live in her life anymore, and I will accept that. my future is better than letting obliterate in heart brokens. it took me a long time to be able to forget her.

don’t ever ask me stuffs like this ever. I’m a freeman. love is an expensive thing. you cannot be in love to someone in just a few seconds the first time you saw that person.

I am free! now I’m on to my dreams to learn chemical engineering in collage. I will become someone who will benefit a lot of people by finding substance that makes life better.

we all have dreams
we want to paint the sky as blue as the sea
we want to make the buildings transparent
so the sun set won’t be transient

I wanna fly to the heavens
and crash into Saturn
to slide in its ring
crash into Jupiter
to see how insignificant I am

if you want to shine
you could be yourself
follow the Halley comet
and go around the Cosmos
find your true self
and shine for everybody like the sun

I want to crash into the black hole
and go to another dimension
I wanna see the world’s bright side
but I could end up in their dark side

I will reborn, create my self esteem
like when the universe were build from the explosion
of papa sun that spread to the whole universe..